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Jokes!
Mar 13, 2007 14:38:02 GMT -5
Post by JediMistressDragon on Mar 13, 2007 14:38:02 GMT -5
In honor of St. Patrick's Day...
Two Irishmen, Patrick Murphy and Shawn O'Brian grew up together and were lifelong friends. But alas, Patrick developed cancer, and was dying. While on his deathbed, Patrick called to his buddy, Shawn, "O'Brian, come 'ere. I 'ave a request for ye." Shawn walked to his friend's bedside and kneels.
"Shawny ole boy, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm leaving 'ere. I 'ave one last request fir ye to do."
O'Brian burst into tears, "Anything Patrick, anything ye wish. It's done."
"Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity."
O'Brian was overcome by the beauty and in the true Irish spirit of his friend's request, he asked, "Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?"
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An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden. The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!!!!!"
At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns. Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.
His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."
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A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of Course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
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Mon-Jas Charan
Message Board Member
"Poena Vigoratus. Pullus cavo vix. Palma , est eternus"
Posts: 2,630
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Jokes!
Apr 4, 2007 18:30:40 GMT -5
Post by Mon-Jas Charan on Apr 4, 2007 18:30:40 GMT -5
Summer classes for men at the learning center for adults. Registration must be completed by June 29, 2007. NOTE: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their contents, class sizes will be limited to 8 participants maximum. Class 1 How to Fill Up the Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM Class 2 The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself? Round Table Discussion Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours Class 3 Is It Possible to Urinate Using the Technique of Lifting the Seat and Avoiding the Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? Group Practice Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours Class 4 Fundamental Differences between the Laundry Hamper and the Floor Pictures and Explanatory Graphics Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks Class 5 After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink? Examples on Video Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM Class 6 Loss of Identity --- Losing the Remote to Your Significant Other Help Line Support and Support Groups Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM Class 7 Learning How to Find Things --- Starting With Looking In the Right Places And Not Turning the House Upside Down While Screaming Open Forum Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours Class 8 Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health Graphics and Audio Tapes Three nights: Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours Class 9 Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined Class 10 Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks? Driving Simulations 4 weeks, Saturdays at noon, 2 hours Class 11 Learning to Live --- Basic Differences between Mother and Wife Online Classes and role-playing Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined Class 12 How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM Class 13 How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going to Be Late Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered Three nights: Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours Class 14 The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used Live Demonstration Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
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Jokes!
Apr 4, 2007 18:42:16 GMT -5
Post by Kryy Jacobi on Apr 4, 2007 18:42:16 GMT -5
Class 1 How to Fill Up the Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM
Can I sign up Jerry for Course #1? We were in the kitchen one day and I pulled 2 empty ice cube trays out of the freezer and asked, "Why did you put these empty trays back in the freezer?" to which he replied.... "Where did you want me to put them?" umm... missed the point... In all fairness -- re: #14 -- he is a much better cook than I am. Hilarious! Thanks for sharing.
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Mon-Jas Charan
Message Board Member
"Poena Vigoratus. Pullus cavo vix. Palma , est eternus"
Posts: 2,630
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Jokes!
May 9, 2007 13:14:07 GMT -5
Post by Mon-Jas Charan on May 9, 2007 13:14:07 GMT -5
The Top 15 Han Solo Quotes You Need to Use in Regular Conversation Written by Anthony Burch
We at DoubleViking consider Han Solo to be the apex of all that is manly. He’s our number one role model, he’s a badass in his own right, and his sarcastic, roguish presence helped make the original trilogy vastly superior to the crappy prequels. He’s so cool, in fact, that we have to suggest you model your life around him – or, at the very least, use some of his quotes in everyday conversation. So, without further ado, here are the fifteen best Han Solo quotes (and when to say them), ranked in order of importance.
15. “I’ve got a bad feeling about this.” When to say it: When you get a bad feeling, obviously
Had Han Solo been the only character to speak this line in the entire series, it definitely would have been much higher on the list. In reality, sadly, the line is present in every single Star Wars film, thus downplaying its importance as a method of character development, instead turning it into a device that allows George Lucas to wink at the audience. It’s a cute line, but it’s not distinctly Han Solo.
14. “Had a slight weapons malfunction, but everything's perfectly alright now. We're fine, we're all fine, here, now, thank you. How are you?” When to say it: When your cell phone signal begins to break up
Granted, this is a Star Wars quote which will almost immediately get recognized as a Star Wars quote -- hopefully, you’ll never find yourself in a real life situation where you have to use the term “weapons malfunction.” Still, though, if you’ve got to go through the typically banal “wait, you’re breaking up – can you hear me?” conversation with a friend over your phone, why not throw in a Han Solo quote for good measure? Pretty much everything Harrison Ford says in the series is gold – in everyday life, one should always be searching for methods, no matter how forced, to speak the words of Han Solo.
13. “No, no, NO. THIS one goes THERE, THAT one goes THERE.” When to say it: When working on a project with a partner
This particular quote won’t make you look particularly cool or Han Solo-ish, but if you use this quote on someone and they recognize it as what Han yells to Chewie at the beginning of Empire Strikes Back, marry them. Immediately. Doesn’t matter what gender they are.
12. “Great, kid. Don’t get thingyy.” When to say it: When a friend accomplishes something
As much as you like your friends, you can’t give them too much credit: genuine enthusiasm from one friend to another is generally a trait only shared by women, and Han Solo is decidedly not a woman. You can only use this line (or lines like it) for only so long towards your friends – one must be careful to stay in the realm of “lovable Smart alic” and not crossover into “outright unacceptable” territory. You want your friends to stay your friends, regardless of how much you may want to mock their accomplishments.
11. “Never tell me the odds!” When to say it: When gambling
If anything, a decision to not know the odds when gambling seems like lunacy. Logic would dictate that if you bet on a boxing match, you’d darn well better know the spread, right? Well, not if you want to look like a tough guy, you don’t. Refusing to hear the odds when gambling is so blatant a mistake, so obvious a screw-up, that the other gamblers around you will have no choice but to seriously consider what you hope to accomplish by insulating yourself from the odds. Some of the more nervous men, influenced by your steadfast refusal to play by the rules, may change their bets. Their changed bets will influence others to change bets, and, before you know it, your one line of Han Solo dialogue has completely reversed the spread. And if, by chance, your boxer of choice should actually win, then you will be viewed as a gambling prodigy – a man with an unconventional, unbeatable system who knows exactly what he is doing. And as is the case with so many of these Han quotes, seeming to know what you’re doing is a lot more important than actually knowing what you’re doing.
10. “Yeah, I’ll bet you have.” When to say it: When an intergalactic bounty hunter tells you he’s been waiting a long time to bring you in
But after you say it, MAKE SURE TO SHOOT FIRST. Even if you somehow manage to “dodge” his blaster shot and return fire in self-defense, it will look nowhere near as cool as if you’d just taken the initiative and blasted the sonofapregnant dog before he knew what hit him. Honestly, what kind of moron would even consider not having Han shoot first?
9. “Here’s where the fun begins.” When to say it: When you’re about to enter a dangerous situation
The purposes of this quote are twofold: firstly, it gives a greater sense of gravitas to whatever situation you are about to undertake. Even if it’s something as simple as getting called to your boss’s office, or taking an off-road shortcut on the way home, this quote alone will make the event seem much more dramatic and cool. Secondly, having made the event seem much cooler and more dangerous than it actually is, this quote will make the speaker seem that much more skilled & self-assured in the context of the event.
8. “You know, sometimes I amaze even myself.” When to say it: Anytime
This is pretty much the catch-all arrogant phrase to use whenever you do something worthy of congratulation. And if you consider yourself an arrogant wise-cracker, then everything you do is worthy of congratulation.
7. “What an incredible smell you’ve discovered!” When to say it: Anytime you smell something awful
When showing disgust, one has to show repulsion and righteous indignation without seeming like a complete and utter pansy, which is where this quote comes into play. Han is obviously not happy that Leia convinced him to jump down a garbage chute, but at the same time, he’s not running around, whining and crying over the fact that he’s knee-deep in human fecal matter. The “incredible smell” line serves as the perfect balance of arrogant irritation and bad-ass indifference to use when someone lets out a particularly gruesome fart.
6. “Laugh it up, fuzzball.” When to say it: When a fat/hairy person laughs at you
Again: not outright whiny and confrontational, but this line lets everyone know that you mean business and that you’re tired of their crud. Nobody would dare ignore an insult as unconventional-yet-harsh as “fuzzball,” but they also wouldn’t start a fight over it.
5. “Wonderful girl. Either I’m going to kill her, or I’m beginning to like her.” When to say it: When talking about a woman you’re attracted to
It’s okay to show attraction to a woman, but not unqualified attraction. It’s okay to show that you would very much like to date a girl you’ve just met, but only so long as you remember to state that you don’t really like her that much. Guys who show unqualified attraction to potential mates usually end up as the schmoes who get screwed over when push comes to shove (“push,” in this case, being a synonym for “woman,” while “shove” is a synonym for “musician”). Not to mention that if the girl hears you use this line, her curiosity will be piqued: why does he like me? Why does he want to kill me? Such curiosity will lead her to talk to you more frequently in a teasing attempt to get you to reveal what you really think about her. So long as you never reveal the truth, the teasing will make way for flirting.
4. “How we doin’?” “Same as always.” “That bad, huh?” When to say it: When asking someone about their day
Ah, world-weariness. When using a quote like this, people will wonder why you’re so world-weary, and, if you don’t tell them, you’ll seem to have some sort of dark and mysterious past that you never talk about, despite the reality that you spent most of your childhood eating Cheetos and watching Thundercats. Is there a more wonderfully cynical, yet strangely attractive worldview to have? I think not.
3. “I've seen a lot of strange stuff, but I've never seen anything to make me believe there's one all-powerful force controlling everything. There's no mystical energy field controls my destiny.” When to say it: During a debate on religion
It doesn’t matter if you actually believe in God; you have to use this quote in a debate on religion. It’s specific and useful enough to not necessarily seem like a Star Wars quote, and it’s got just the right amount of pseudo-philosophy and world-weary ranting to make you seem infinitely cooler than the other person in the debate. Yeah, you’ve been around. You’ve seen the world. You know what it has to offer. And, you know what? None of it impresses you. You are in charge of your life. God? Psh. Who needs him? Granted, after the debate is done you may need to go home and pray for twenty straight minutes as a method of apologizing to your deity of choice, but the important thing is that, to the guy you argued against, you look like totally arrogant and remains completely unafraid of Jehovah’s wrath.
2. “Hey…it’s me!” When to say it: When someone tells you to “be careful”
Who are they to doubt you? Hey, it’s you! If you weren’t the careful, clever guy you were, you’d be dead by now. You don’t need expressions of worry – you’re too cool for that. Admittedly, right after Han says this in ROTJ he steps on a twig and alerts every stormtrooper in the vicinity to his presence, but ignore that for now.
1. “I love you.” “I know.” When to say it: Duh
If you use this line at least once in your lifetime, you can die a happy man. It is the epitome of everything Han Solo stands for: thingyy, yet sincere. It’s rumored that George Lucas (though he didn’t direct Empire Strikes Back, or even write its screenplay) wanted Han to tell Leia that he “loved her too,” but Harrison Ford demanded that the current version of the line we all adore so very much. Solo’s final line to Leia before getting carbonite-frozen is, bar-none, the greatest moment in the entire Star Wars saga.
Not to mention that if you use this line on a woman who is legitimately expressing love for you, it will drive her nuts. If there’s one thing women love – other than musicians – it’s having strong feelings for someone who doesn’t reciprocate them (especially if the person in question is a musician). If you respond to “I love you” with “I love you, too,” you’re essentially begging the woman to lose interest in you. Making an arrogant, not-quite reciprocation of that love that hints at possible affection without outright stating it is the most intelligent thing you can possibly do; it keeps the mystery up, it keeps you in control and you keep your dignity intact. Han Solo knows this. That’s why he’s Han Solo.
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Mon-Jas Charan
Message Board Member
"Poena Vigoratus. Pullus cavo vix. Palma , est eternus"
Posts: 2,630
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Jokes!
Jul 11, 2007 10:25:09 GMT -5
Post by Mon-Jas Charan on Jul 11, 2007 10:25:09 GMT -5
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Jul 14, 2007 13:43:47 GMT -5
Post by Col-Mas Anor on Jul 14, 2007 13:43:47 GMT -5
BRAINS!!! lol ;D
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Mon-Jas Charan
Message Board Member
"Poena Vigoratus. Pullus cavo vix. Palma , est eternus"
Posts: 2,630
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Jokes!
Mar 3, 2008 15:25:45 GMT -5
Post by Mon-Jas Charan on Mar 3, 2008 15:25:45 GMT -5
Cat shampoo/Toilet Cleaning Instructions :
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet; the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash and rinse'.
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
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Mar 4, 2008 13:03:24 GMT -5
Post by Granny-Wan on Mar 4, 2008 13:03:24 GMT -5
so a priest, a buddhist monk, and a rabbi enter a bar....and the bartender said "What is this a joke or something" ba dump bump Oh man, I was gonna tell that one... Two Jedi, a clone, and Protocal Droid leading a gundrark walk into a bar.... ;D ;D
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Jokes!
Mar 5, 2008 0:05:40 GMT -5
Post by Cara Drume on Mar 5, 2008 0:05:40 GMT -5
ACK! LOL Poor Kitty!
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Mar 6, 2008 2:07:44 GMT -5
Post by Leda EmBorr on Mar 6, 2008 2:07:44 GMT -5
LOL... that's just really funny!!!!!!!
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Mar 6, 2008 2:24:40 GMT -5
Post by Starkindler (The Naked Jedi) on Mar 6, 2008 2:24:40 GMT -5
The Top 15 Han Solo Quotes You Need to Use in Regular Conversation Written by Anthony Burch
[/blockquote][/i][/size][/color][/quote] OK. admittedly not always in the proper place and time (according to this list) I HAVE used #s: 1, 2, 6, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, & 15
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Mar 6, 2008 2:27:24 GMT -5
Post by Starkindler (The Naked Jedi) on Mar 6, 2008 2:27:24 GMT -5
Cat shampoo/Toilet Cleaning Instructions :
OK> I almost choked to death reading this one. I have a thing for stuff happening to cats.........*cough*.....
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Jokes!
Mar 6, 2008 14:48:22 GMT -5
Post by Jauhzmynn Enz on Mar 6, 2008 14:48:22 GMT -5
It's almsot as funny as the "Giving a cat a pill" one. yeah I've cats, and love 'em all.
Han solo quipes: I've used 'em. Even the "I know" one when my hubby says he loves me.
he's used the "It's me." one to which I've replyed."Iknow, that's the problem.:-). <snerk snerk. giggle>
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Mon-Jas Charan
Message Board Member
"Poena Vigoratus. Pullus cavo vix. Palma , est eternus"
Posts: 2,630
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Jokes!
Mar 16, 2008 23:15:19 GMT -5
Post by Mon-Jas Charan on Mar 16, 2008 23:15:19 GMT -5
I don't know if this is true, but it is too funny to pass up
This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - - she loved to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart.
Dear Mrs. Samsel,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We have listed the following infractions in chronological order for your information. For these particular events, among others, we have determined that our Wal-mart store cannot further tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from this store.
Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official sounding voice, 'Code 3 in House Wares. Get on it right away.'
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers that he would invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!
Thank you for your prior years of patronage. We do wish you the best of luck in finding a department store, or public entity that will welcome Mr. Samsel.
Regards, Tom Richards Walmart Manager
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Jokes!
Aug 4, 2008 21:50:58 GMT -5
Post by Xana on Aug 4, 2008 21:50:58 GMT -5
ROTFL!! I gotta save that one!
I saw this in the car repair shop today:
How To Avoid Car Problems
1. Become a mechanic
2. Walk
3. Black Magic
4. Use lots of Duct Tape
5. Bring it to us
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