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Jokes!
Mar 2, 2007 14:20:14 GMT -5
Post by himiko sabbrawrra on Mar 2, 2007 14:20:14 GMT -5
eh?
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Jokes!
Mar 2, 2007 20:15:56 GMT -5
Post by Syru on Mar 2, 2007 20:15:56 GMT -5
My 7 year old told me this one yesterday.....
What is a dog's favorite movie??
Star Wars EpIII ...REVENGE OF THE SNIFF!......
I know pretty corny, but I like it.. ;D
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Jokes!
Mar 2, 2007 23:57:48 GMT -5
Post by kivaanzion on Mar 2, 2007 23:57:48 GMT -5
Ok an old guy and a young guy die and go to Heaven.
While waiting to be let in, the old guy asks the younger guy, "How did you die?"
The young man replies, "I froze to death". He then asks the old man, "What about you?"
The old man goes on to explain, "Well I was convinced my wife was cheating on me. So when I got home from work, I ran into the house, and ran upstairs to the bedroom, but there was no one there."
"So I ran downstairs to the basement- but again there was no one there. I was halfway running out to the garage, when I had a massive heart-attack and died."
"That's pretty funny" the young guy says...
"Because if you had checked the freezer in your basement we both would have lived!"
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Jokes!
Mar 3, 2007 1:30:27 GMT -5
Post by Leda EmBorr on Mar 3, 2007 1:30:27 GMT -5
OMG! ki-Vaan... That's classic! ;D
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Jokes!
Mar 3, 2007 10:20:51 GMT -5
Post by Jedimom/Cor-Al Gelkar on Mar 3, 2007 10:20:51 GMT -5
A guy walks into the psychiatrist's office wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.
What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, sweetie.
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe. After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. The job was only so-so anyhow. Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting. I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it. I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard. My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't note worthy. I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience. Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but I just didn't fit in. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income. I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it.
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Jokes!
Mar 3, 2007 10:46:37 GMT -5
Post by Cara Drume on Mar 3, 2007 10:46:37 GMT -5
*GROAN!!!*
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Solinbeb Newau
Message Board Member
There are many ways to learn the ways of the Force, but only those who have joined it may know best.
Posts: 1,181
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Jokes!
Mar 3, 2007 12:28:38 GMT -5
Post by Solinbeb Newau on Mar 3, 2007 12:28:38 GMT -5
*Snickers*
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Jokes!
Mar 5, 2007 6:11:10 GMT -5
Post by Col-Mas Anor on Mar 5, 2007 6:11:10 GMT -5
Once upon a time there was a peaceful tropical island, ruled by a benevolent king. It was the kind of island you may see on a postcard where the natives live in grass huts, wear grass skirts (and the women wear those coconut things). In honor of the king's 25th anniversary, the people decided to make a new throne for him. The king was so delighted with his new throne that it became an annual tradition. Each year on the anniversary of his coronation the people would present him with a new throne. And, each year the new throne would be more ornate and beautifully carved than the last one. Upon receipt of each new throne, the king would stow the old one in the attic of his grass hut.
This tradition continued for many years until one tragic day. The king's attic, heavy with the weight of all those old thrones, collapsed. The king was crushed to death under the old thrones. The people mourned the loss of their beloved king, but they learned an important lesson from this day:
People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
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Jokes!
Mar 5, 2007 7:44:31 GMT -5
Post by himiko sabbrawrra on Mar 5, 2007 7:44:31 GMT -5
OMG!!! LOL...
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Jokes!
Mar 5, 2007 19:01:11 GMT -5
Post by Xana on Mar 5, 2007 19:01:11 GMT -5
lol! These are great! More more!
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Mon-Jas Charan
Message Board Member
"Poena Vigoratus. Pullus cavo vix. Palma , est eternus"
Posts: 2,630
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Jokes!
Mar 5, 2007 19:26:06 GMT -5
Post by Mon-Jas Charan on Mar 5, 2007 19:26:06 GMT -5
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
Plato: For the greater good.
Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.
Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.
Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!
Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment, would let it take.
Douglas Adams: Forty-two.
Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.
Oliver North: National Security was at stake.
B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.
Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Aristotle: To actualize its potential.
Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken- nature.
Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence.
Salvador Dali: The Fish.
Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.
Epicurus: For fun.
Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Johann von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.
David Hume: Out of custom and habit.
Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason.
Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?
John Sununu: The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity.
The Sphinx: You tell me.
Mr. T: If you saw me coming you'd cross the road too!
Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and **** all the marrow out of life.
Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
Molly Yard: It was a hen!
Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.
Chaucer: So priketh hem nature in hir corages.
Wordsworth: To wander lonely as a cloud.
The Godfather: I didn't want its mother to see it like that.
Keats: Philosophy will clip a chicken's wings.
Blake: To see heaven in a wild fowl.
Othello: Jealousy.
Dr Johnson: Sir, had you known the Chicken for as long as I have, you would not so readily enquire, but feel rather the lamentable and incorrigible Ignorance.
Mrs Thatcher: This chicken's not for turning.
Supreme Soviet: There has never been a chicken in this photograph.
Oscar Wilde: Why, indeed? One's social engagements whilst in town ought never expose one to such barbarous inconvenience - although, perhaps, if one must cross a road, one may do far worse than to cross it as the chicken in question.
Kafka: Hardly the most urgent enquiry to make of a low-grade insurance clerk who woke up that morning as a hen.
Swift: It is, of course, inevitable that such a loathsome, filth-ridden and degraded creature as Man should assume to question the actions of one in all respects his superior.
Macbeth: To have turned back were as tedious as to go o'er.
Whitehead: Clearly, having fallen victim to the fallacy of misplaced concreteness.
Freud: An die andere Seite zu kommen. (Much laughter)
Hamlet: That is not the question.
Donne: It crosseth for thee.
Pope: It was mimicking my Lord Hervey.
Constable: To get a better view.
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Mon-Jas Charan
Message Board Member
"Poena Vigoratus. Pullus cavo vix. Palma , est eternus"
Posts: 2,630
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Jokes!
Mar 10, 2007 20:09:11 GMT -5
Post by Mon-Jas Charan on Mar 10, 2007 20:09:11 GMT -5
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Jokes!
Mar 10, 2007 21:58:57 GMT -5
Post by J'aii-Gun Jiinn on Mar 10, 2007 21:58:57 GMT -5
;DMonty Phyton is hilarious mine's the dead parrot and how not to be seen,and the olympics for the physically challenged My joke is A reporter goes up to a indian reservation up on a hill He asks the chief for his name,He repied Four Feathers Then He asked the chief what his wife's name was.The Chief said Three HorsesThe reporter looked kind of shocked.Why does she have the name of Three Horses,she's beautiful.The Chief replied Old Indian name for Nag,Nag,Nag
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Jokes!
Mar 12, 2007 8:36:18 GMT -5
Post by Cara Drume on Mar 12, 2007 8:36:18 GMT -5
LOL, that one's funny!
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Jokes!
Mar 13, 2007 14:06:15 GMT -5
Post by JediMistressDragon on Mar 13, 2007 14:06:15 GMT -5
Jokes about Writing
A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus. "It's a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway," he said. "Actually," said his guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation." The visitor was astonished. "Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?" "Yes, indeed," said his guide. "He wrote a check."
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A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
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A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell.
She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.
"Oh my," said the writer. "Let me see heaven now."
A few moments later, as she ascended into heaven, she saw rows of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they, too, were whipped with thorny lashes.
"Wait a minute," said the writer. "This is just as bad as hell!"
"Oh no, it's not," replied an unseen voice. "Here, your work gets published."
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There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
A screenwriter comes home to a burned down house. His sobbing and slightly-singed wife is standing outside. “What happened, honey?” the man asks.
“Oh, John, it was terrible,” she weeps. “I was cooking, the phone rang. It was your agent. Because I was on the phone, I didn’t notice the stove was on fire. It went up in second. Everything is gone. I nearly didn’t make it out of the house. Poor Fluffy is--”
“Wait, wait. Back up a minute,” The man says. “My agent called?”
How many science fiction writers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, but it's actually the same person doing it. He went back in time and met himself in the doorway and then the first one sat on the other one's shoulder so that they were able to reach it. Then a major time paradox occurred and the entire room, light bulb, changer and all was blown out of existence. They co-existed in a parallel universe, though.
How many publishers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw it in. Two to hold down the author.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it almost all the way in, and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.
How many screenwriters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Why does it *have* to be changed?
How many cover blurb writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A VAST AND TEEMING HORDE STRETCHING FROM SEA TO SHINING SEA!!!!
How many screenwriters does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Ten. 1st draft. Hero changes light bulb. 2nd draft. Villain changes light bulb. 3rd draft. Hero stops villain from changing light bulb. Villain falls to death. 4th draft. Lose the light bulb. 5th draft. Light bulb back in. Fluorescent instead of tungsten. 6th draft. Villain breaks bulb, uses it to kill hero's mentor. 7th draft. Fluorescent not working. Back to tungsten. 8th draft. Hero forces villain to eat light bulb. 9th draft. Hero laments loss of light bulb. Doesn't change it. 10th draft. Hero changes light bulb.
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Punctuation Parable
Dear John,
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy - will you let me be yours?
Gloria
Dear John,
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?
Yours,
Gloria
_________________________________________________________________
How to Write Good 1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
3. Employ the vernacular.
4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
6. Remember to never split an infinitive.
7. Contractions aren't necessary.
8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
9. One should never generalize.
10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
11. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
12. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
13. Be more or less specific.
14. Understatement is always best.
15. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
16. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
17. The passive voice is to be avoided.
18. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
19. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
20. Who needs rhetorical questions?
21. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
22. Don't never use a double negation.
23. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point
24. Do not put statements in the negative form.
25. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.
26. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.
27. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
28. A writer must not shift your point of view.
29. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)
30. Don't overuse exclamation marks!!
31. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to the irantecedents.
32. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
33. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
34. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
35. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
36. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
37. Always pick on the correct idiom.
38. The adverb always follows the verb.
39. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; They're old hat; seek viable alternatives.
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Ode to the Spell Check
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It cam with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew!
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