Post by Granny-Wan on Jul 30, 2007 14:06:11 GMT -5
I wrote this story last summer in response to a Fan-Fic challenge. The rules were that it had to be Star Wars, and it had to contain the phrase "if you cut off his leg, he’ll give you butter." BTW, I won the challenge...
Donuts for Darth
Deep inside the Star Destroyer Ventilator, Suzy stormed about a tiny kitchen, flinging bowls and baking pans around as she searched for her recipe reader.
"This is unbelievable!" She muttered, ignoring the protocol droid who'd come in to assist her. "First they bomb out the café district, completely destroying my bakery, then they draft me to bake for the Empire?"
"Madam, please, if I may assist you, I am TC-42, your new assistant. My memory banks have been programmed with all the recipes in the known galaxy. I have the instructions for over six million forms of pastries..."
"You don't have MY recipes!" Suzy retorted, "Those were my most prized possession, handed down to me from my grandmother."
TC-42's eyes glowed for a millisecond, as he accessed his databank. "Your Grandmother, would that be Lou-Za Mivir of Coruscant? I have those right here..."
"What??? I kept those recipes in a gravystone safe for the last 27 years, how could you possibly have those? And how did you know my Granny's name?"
"I'm, sorry, Miss Suzy, I was only recently uploaded with that information. I was re-assigned from the Protocol Corps, I'm not very knowledgeable about such things."
"Great," Suzy muttered. "A protocol droid. How helpful that will be in the kitchen. And it walks in spouting Granny's cookie recipes! Oh, I don't like this Empire business one bit! "
As she began unpacking her confiscated bakery equipment, she glanced over at TC-42. "Well come on, Silverbuns, let's get this stuff put away... there's not much I can do about this in the middle of hyperspace."
TC scurried over to the cabinets and drawers and put away most of Suzy's salvaged equipment. "Miss Suzy? These crystalline éclair pans seemed to be cracked, should I send them for repair?"
"Send them for repair?" Suzy look amazed. "And where do you think you're going to send them? To the engine room, or the armory? This is a frakkin' warship!"
"I was under the impression the war was over, Miss Suzy," he replied. "That is what they said on the Holo-News."
"Well," she said more calmly, with a hint of her old humor returning. "I thought so, too, until they sonic bombed the bakery district and cracked my éclair pans. Oh, and when they hauled me away to bake cookies for the crew of this bucket of bolts..."
**************
This was Tarkin's ship, and having Lord Vader on board made him nervous. Not that it should,he thought. He was the Commander of the outer rim district, and that Vader character was merely the new Emperor's apprentice.
But there was something about him that made the other officers uncomfortable. The unseeing eyes in the helmet, the raspy, mechanical breathing, the booming voice. Who was he, really? Man or machine? Tarkin suppressed a brief shiver at that thought as he left the bridge for his breakfast.
**************
Suzy pulled the last tray of Gundark Claws out of the oven and set it out to cool. Next to that there were the Cinnahair Buns, named after a popular hairstyle. Cheese Nubians topped with Endorian Burgle Berries rounded out the day's selection.
"Tee-Cee! Get those trays out to the Officers' Dining Room, and make sure the cleaning droids do something about this disaster area! I'm going to take a nap."
"What? A nap? Sometimes I just don't understand human behavior!" TC-42 grumbled, as he carried the trays out to the Officers' Mess. "It's as sure as stars will fall that someone won't like the menu, and they'll probably blame me. Life was so much simpler when I was just an interpreter."
**************
"Miss Suzy, wake up!" TeeCee called. "You must come back to the kitchen! That Tarkin fellow wants doughnuts! Oh dear, how can she sleep at a time like this?"
Suzy blinked her eyes and struggled to get up out of the chair she'd been sleeping in. "Whaaa?" She mumbled. "Oh darn you, Silverbuns. What is it?"
"Commander Tarkin wants doughnuts this morning. He said to tell you personally, although whom else I would tell, I really don't know, I'm not allowed to speak with anyone, you know. ..." TC's voice trailed off as he walked towards the kitchen. Raising the lighting, he started to assemble ingredients.
Suzy followed him into the lighted area of the kitchen. "Don't tell me you know Granny's recipe for doughnuts!"
"Well, yes, of course I do. As I said, I have been programmed with over six-million pastry recipes, and can easily..."
"Stop! No more, please. That recipe has been in my family for over a thousand generations. Everyone loves our doughnuts... Senators, Monarchs, even the Jedi! And now the secret recipe is walking around and talking... so to speak..."
She sighed, "Okay, let's get at it. Get that dough into the megamixer. Gorram it, life on a star destroyer really stinks! I'll be old by 40, working these hours. You'd think droid-baked pastries would be good enough for military types... Oh! I beg your pardon, TeeCee, I meant Utility Droids of course."
"Of course, Miss Suzy, I didn't think otherwise. But didn't you get up early to bake when you had your own bakery?"
"That was different! Most of the time I was still up from the night before! And besides, with Dex's right next door, I always had Jawa Juice handy. Oh, where is my hyperlaser doughnut cutter? "
Sthingys and cups went flying as she dug through the bags and boxes of tools the clone troopers had confiscated from her bakery. She paused for a moment to think about their current situation. I wonder what happened to Dex? And that nice Jedi he was friends with, the one with the snarky partner. What was his name? "TC! Where are you?" She called.
"I'm right here, madam, I haven't gone anywhere, oh dear. Here's your cutter, and the dough is almost ready."
Suzy slapped the dough out onto the counter, and soon had three enormous baking sheets filled with circles of dough. A few tears leaked out of her eyes as she remembered baking doughnuts for Dex's Diner every morning. Good old Dex, she hoped he was all right. At least the bombing of the restaurant district had taken place after hours. But what was that Jedi's name? And why wasn't he around when she'd needed him?
"I still don't get this whole Empire thing," she mumbled. "What sort of government blows up its cafes? The Republic never tried to operate on an empty stomach."
"Take those other trays to the dining room, TC, and then come back for the doughnuts. I'll get them frosted."
He squeaked away with the last of the breakfast pastries while Suzy wondered when his last oil bath had been.
Suzy sat down and began applying frosting to the baked goods. Chocolate, now there was one thing everyone in the universe can agree on, she thought. If everyone would just sit down and share some chocolate and relax there never would have been a war in the first place!
Absently, she reached to pick up the jar of colored sprinkles when suddenly it slid towards her and into her hand! What the...?
"Well, THAT'S never happened before!" She pushed the jar away and tried it again. The jar almost flew into her hands. Amazing...
Just then the door from the dining room crashed open, and TC hopped in on one foot, carrying his other one, clearly distressed about the dark figure behind him.
"Miss Suzy, oh where are you? Help me!" He cried in that prissy voice of his. "This, this, this... officer is trying to destroy me!"
"What is going on here? Who are you? " Suzy demanded.
"I am Darth Vader, right hand of the Emperor, and if you are wise you will call me Lord Vader. I felt a disturbance in the Force... and then your serving droid brought me a PLAIN Nubian! "
"So you attacked him? Did you think that if you cut off his leg, he'll give you butter? And who dresses you?"
The imposing black figure turned to face her, "What did you say?"
"I uh, said 'I'm sorry my droid is distressing you!' Would you like a chocolate doughnut, Lord Vader?"
"Oh!" He turned and looked at the table. "Doooughnuts..."
Donuts for Darth
Deep inside the Star Destroyer Ventilator, Suzy stormed about a tiny kitchen, flinging bowls and baking pans around as she searched for her recipe reader.
"This is unbelievable!" She muttered, ignoring the protocol droid who'd come in to assist her. "First they bomb out the café district, completely destroying my bakery, then they draft me to bake for the Empire?"
"Madam, please, if I may assist you, I am TC-42, your new assistant. My memory banks have been programmed with all the recipes in the known galaxy. I have the instructions for over six million forms of pastries..."
"You don't have MY recipes!" Suzy retorted, "Those were my most prized possession, handed down to me from my grandmother."
TC-42's eyes glowed for a millisecond, as he accessed his databank. "Your Grandmother, would that be Lou-Za Mivir of Coruscant? I have those right here..."
"What??? I kept those recipes in a gravystone safe for the last 27 years, how could you possibly have those? And how did you know my Granny's name?"
"I'm, sorry, Miss Suzy, I was only recently uploaded with that information. I was re-assigned from the Protocol Corps, I'm not very knowledgeable about such things."
"Great," Suzy muttered. "A protocol droid. How helpful that will be in the kitchen. And it walks in spouting Granny's cookie recipes! Oh, I don't like this Empire business one bit! "
As she began unpacking her confiscated bakery equipment, she glanced over at TC-42. "Well come on, Silverbuns, let's get this stuff put away... there's not much I can do about this in the middle of hyperspace."
TC scurried over to the cabinets and drawers and put away most of Suzy's salvaged equipment. "Miss Suzy? These crystalline éclair pans seemed to be cracked, should I send them for repair?"
"Send them for repair?" Suzy look amazed. "And where do you think you're going to send them? To the engine room, or the armory? This is a frakkin' warship!"
"I was under the impression the war was over, Miss Suzy," he replied. "That is what they said on the Holo-News."
"Well," she said more calmly, with a hint of her old humor returning. "I thought so, too, until they sonic bombed the bakery district and cracked my éclair pans. Oh, and when they hauled me away to bake cookies for the crew of this bucket of bolts..."
**************
This was Tarkin's ship, and having Lord Vader on board made him nervous. Not that it should,he thought. He was the Commander of the outer rim district, and that Vader character was merely the new Emperor's apprentice.
But there was something about him that made the other officers uncomfortable. The unseeing eyes in the helmet, the raspy, mechanical breathing, the booming voice. Who was he, really? Man or machine? Tarkin suppressed a brief shiver at that thought as he left the bridge for his breakfast.
**************
Suzy pulled the last tray of Gundark Claws out of the oven and set it out to cool. Next to that there were the Cinnahair Buns, named after a popular hairstyle. Cheese Nubians topped with Endorian Burgle Berries rounded out the day's selection.
"Tee-Cee! Get those trays out to the Officers' Dining Room, and make sure the cleaning droids do something about this disaster area! I'm going to take a nap."
"What? A nap? Sometimes I just don't understand human behavior!" TC-42 grumbled, as he carried the trays out to the Officers' Mess. "It's as sure as stars will fall that someone won't like the menu, and they'll probably blame me. Life was so much simpler when I was just an interpreter."
**************
"Miss Suzy, wake up!" TeeCee called. "You must come back to the kitchen! That Tarkin fellow wants doughnuts! Oh dear, how can she sleep at a time like this?"
Suzy blinked her eyes and struggled to get up out of the chair she'd been sleeping in. "Whaaa?" She mumbled. "Oh darn you, Silverbuns. What is it?"
"Commander Tarkin wants doughnuts this morning. He said to tell you personally, although whom else I would tell, I really don't know, I'm not allowed to speak with anyone, you know. ..." TC's voice trailed off as he walked towards the kitchen. Raising the lighting, he started to assemble ingredients.
Suzy followed him into the lighted area of the kitchen. "Don't tell me you know Granny's recipe for doughnuts!"
"Well, yes, of course I do. As I said, I have been programmed with over six-million pastry recipes, and can easily..."
"Stop! No more, please. That recipe has been in my family for over a thousand generations. Everyone loves our doughnuts... Senators, Monarchs, even the Jedi! And now the secret recipe is walking around and talking... so to speak..."
She sighed, "Okay, let's get at it. Get that dough into the megamixer. Gorram it, life on a star destroyer really stinks! I'll be old by 40, working these hours. You'd think droid-baked pastries would be good enough for military types... Oh! I beg your pardon, TeeCee, I meant Utility Droids of course."
"Of course, Miss Suzy, I didn't think otherwise. But didn't you get up early to bake when you had your own bakery?"
"That was different! Most of the time I was still up from the night before! And besides, with Dex's right next door, I always had Jawa Juice handy. Oh, where is my hyperlaser doughnut cutter? "
Sthingys and cups went flying as she dug through the bags and boxes of tools the clone troopers had confiscated from her bakery. She paused for a moment to think about their current situation. I wonder what happened to Dex? And that nice Jedi he was friends with, the one with the snarky partner. What was his name? "TC! Where are you?" She called.
"I'm right here, madam, I haven't gone anywhere, oh dear. Here's your cutter, and the dough is almost ready."
Suzy slapped the dough out onto the counter, and soon had three enormous baking sheets filled with circles of dough. A few tears leaked out of her eyes as she remembered baking doughnuts for Dex's Diner every morning. Good old Dex, she hoped he was all right. At least the bombing of the restaurant district had taken place after hours. But what was that Jedi's name? And why wasn't he around when she'd needed him?
"I still don't get this whole Empire thing," she mumbled. "What sort of government blows up its cafes? The Republic never tried to operate on an empty stomach."
"Take those other trays to the dining room, TC, and then come back for the doughnuts. I'll get them frosted."
He squeaked away with the last of the breakfast pastries while Suzy wondered when his last oil bath had been.
Suzy sat down and began applying frosting to the baked goods. Chocolate, now there was one thing everyone in the universe can agree on, she thought. If everyone would just sit down and share some chocolate and relax there never would have been a war in the first place!
Absently, she reached to pick up the jar of colored sprinkles when suddenly it slid towards her and into her hand! What the...?
"Well, THAT'S never happened before!" She pushed the jar away and tried it again. The jar almost flew into her hands. Amazing...
Just then the door from the dining room crashed open, and TC hopped in on one foot, carrying his other one, clearly distressed about the dark figure behind him.
"Miss Suzy, oh where are you? Help me!" He cried in that prissy voice of his. "This, this, this... officer is trying to destroy me!"
"What is going on here? Who are you? " Suzy demanded.
"I am Darth Vader, right hand of the Emperor, and if you are wise you will call me Lord Vader. I felt a disturbance in the Force... and then your serving droid brought me a PLAIN Nubian! "
"So you attacked him? Did you think that if you cut off his leg, he'll give you butter? And who dresses you?"
The imposing black figure turned to face her, "What did you say?"
"I uh, said 'I'm sorry my droid is distressing you!' Would you like a chocolate doughnut, Lord Vader?"
"Oh!" He turned and looked at the table. "Doooughnuts..."
