New Joke Thread

[JediMistressDragon]

Got this cute Law of Physics as Applied to Cats to start us off-go ahead and make us laught, Jedi!
JMD


Laws of Physics as Applied to Cats
1. Laws of Cat Magnetism: All Clothing attracts cat hair in direct proportion to the degree of color difference between the cat hair and the fabric color.
2. Law of Cat Inertia: A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest unless acted upon by some outside force such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
3. Laws of Cat Sleeping: All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.
4. Laws of Cat Stretching: A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
5. Law of Cat Elongation: A cat can make its body long enough to reach about any countertop which has anything remotely interesting on it.6. Law of Rug Configuration: No rug may remain in its naturally flat
state if a cat is present.
7.Law of Cat Disinterest: A cat’s interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
8. Law of Refrigerator Observation: If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
9.Law of Electric Blanket Attraction: Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.
10. Law of Bag/Box Occupancy: All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
11. Law of Pill Replacement: Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
12. Law of Furniture Replacement: A cat’s desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
13. Law of Cat Probability (Cat’s Uncertainty Principle): It is not possible to predict where a cat actually is, only the probability of where it "might" be.
14. Law of Cat Invisibility: Cats think that if they can’t see you, then you can’t see them.
15. Law of Selective Listening: Although a cat can hear a can of tunabeing opened a mile away, she can’t hear a simple command three feetaway.
16. Law of Cat Obedience: As yet undiscovered.

[Xana]

lolol! That's great!

[Xana]

Thanks to a retired Alaska Airlines Captain for sending
this "paraphrase" of a memorable safety PA from their
Flight Attendants.

In his own words: "I was flying to San Francisco from
Seattle this weekend, and the flight attendant reading
the flight safety information had the whole plane looking at each other like 'what the heck?' (Getting Seattle people to look at each other is an accomplishment.) So once we got airborne, I took out my laptop and typed up what she said so I wouldn't forget. I've left out a few parts I'm sure, but
this is most of it."

Before takeoff...

"Hello, and welcome to Alaska Flight 438 to San Francisco. If you're going to San Francisco, you're in the right place. If you're not going to San Francisco, you're about to have a really long evening. "We'd like to tell you now about some important safety features
of this aircraft. The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane is The Flight Attendants. Please look at one now.

"There are 5 exits aboard this plane: 2 at the front, 2 over the wings, and one out the plane's rear end. If you're seated in one of the exit rows, please do not store your bags by your feet. That would be a really bad idea. Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit.

Count the rows of seats between you and the exit. In the event that the need arises to find one, trust me, you'll be glad you did. We have pretty blinking lights on the floor that will blink in the direction of the exits. White ones along the normal rows, and pretty red ones at the exit rows.

"In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy things will drop down over your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth like the flight attendant is doing now. The bag won't inflate, but there's oxygen there, promise. If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting like a small child, please do us all a favor and put on your mask first. If you are traveling with two or more children, please
take a moment now to decide which one is your favorite. Help that one first, and then work your way down.

"In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I'm having my own personal summer. It makes a very good fan.
It also has pretty pictures. Please take it out and play with it now.
"Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened low and tight about your waist. To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle. To release, it's a pulley thing -- not a pushy thing like your car because you're in an airplane -- HELLOOO!!

"There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is
also no smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put you out.
This is a free service we provide. There are two smoking
sections on this flight, one outside each wing exit. We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight . . . Hold on; let me check what it is. Oh here it is; the movie tonight is 'Gone with the Wind.'

"In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it's going to get really dark, really fast. If you're afraid of the dark, now would be a good time to reach up and press the yellow button. The yellow button turns on your reading light. Please don't press the orange button unless you absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat ejection button.

"We're glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank you for choosing Alaska Air, and giving us your business and your money. If there's anything we can do to make you more comfortable, please don't hesitate to ask.

"If you all weren't strapped down, you would have given me a standing ovation, wouldn't you?"

After landing...

"Welcome to the San Francisco International Airport. Sorry about the bumpy landing. It's not the captain's fault. It's not the copilot's fault. It's the asphalt.

"Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate. At no time in history has a passenger beaten a plane to the gate. So please don't even try.

Please be careful opening the overhead bins because 'shift happens.'"

[JediMistressDragon]

LOL
JMD

[Nova Darklighter]

Xana, you have to post that one I sent about the Religions of Bras, I haven't figured out how yet & it would probably take me a week to type it.

[Xana]

Ooops..... I deleted it. Send it again.

[Toba Qaf]

I have some jokes...

Two goldfish were in their tank. One said to the other, I'll man the guns, you drive.

What is the same about Kermit the frog and Alexander the great? Their middle name.

Three blondes were out walking in the New Hampshire woods. Along the way they tried to use their nature handbooks (with little success) to identify the plant life. Soon after misidentifying a wintergreen plant, they came accross some tracks on the ground. They knelt down and looked very carefully at them. The first blonde took out here Peterson's guide to animal tracks, flipped through it a bit, and declared that they were moose tracks. The second blonde wasn't sure that the first blonde was right, so she got out her Audobon nature guide, looked something up in the index, turned to a page, and said that they had to be white-tailed deer tracks. The third blonde was just saying that she was sure that they had it all wrong when the train hit them.

[Xana]

lol! ;D

I tought Kermie's middle initial was "D." Kind of a play on "the". I guess that would be the same thing..... nevermind.

Ok, here's Nova's joke..........


A man walked into the ladies department of a
Macy's and shyly walked upto the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my
wife." "What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquired the man,
"There is more than one type?"
"
Look around,"said the saleslady, as
she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size,
color and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are reallyonly four types of bras to choose from."

Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied "there are the Catholic, the
Salvation Army, the Presbytherian, and the Baptist
type. Which one would you prefer?"

Now befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The saleslady responded, "It is all
really quite simple... The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen. The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and
upright, and the Baptist makes mountains out of mole
hills.

[Toba Qaf]

That is bad Xana. Or should I say Nova, I wonder? Anyway, I have another joke:

A woman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells her that the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the woman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce that's parked on the street in front of the bank.

Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls Royce into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer approaches her and says:

"We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we're a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked out your accounts and found that you were a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

"Well, where else in Manhattan can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen bucks?"

[Xana]

lol! That's good!

If you didn't like the other joke, it's Nova's fault. She made me post it. If you did, it's my fault.

[Toba Qaf]

I'm not saying which it was;). One more joke from me:

There were two lawyers driving along a mountain road in the rockies in a van. They came to a sharp turn, but the driver wasn't looking where he was going and they drove off a 350 foot cliff. When they hit the bottom, they both died instantly. What is the tragedy in this?


down...


down...


down...


down...


You could have fit a lot more lawyers in that van!

[Xana]

wo antennas meet on a roof, fall in love, and get married. The ceremony isn't much, but the reception is excellent.

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll
serve you, but don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of
Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it
common?" Doc says, "It's Not Unusual."

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this
morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no
bull!" exclaims Daisy.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids are nothing to look at either.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butcher's the other day, and I bet him 50
bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

[Jedimom/Cor-Al Gelkar]

oh mna! Those were great! ;D

[Jedimom/Cor-Al Gelkar]

How many quarters does it take to play the new "Lord of the Rings" video game?

It doesn't take quarters; it takes Tolkiens! ;D

[Xana]

lol!