Post by kivaanzion on Sept 10, 2005 19:39:48 GMT -5
I was sent this email awhile back- I own three cats so I think it's hilarious:
Dear Dogs and Cats:
When I say move, it means to go someplace else--- not to switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. It is not necessary to beat me to the top or bottom. Tripping me does not help as I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. Dogs and cats are supposed to curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is unnecessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also I've been using the bathroom for years--- canine or feline attendance is not needed.
The proper order is kiss me--- then go sniff the other cat or dog's behind. I cannot stress this enough!
In your defense, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Beloved Pets:
1. They live here- you don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture (that's why it's called FUR-niture).
3. I like my pets a lot better than most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Dogs and Cats are better than kids: they eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college...
And if they get pregnant, you can sell the children.
Dear Dogs and Cats:
When I say move, it means to go someplace else--- not to switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. It is not necessary to beat me to the top or bottom. Tripping me does not help as I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. Dogs and cats are supposed to curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is unnecessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also I've been using the bathroom for years--- canine or feline attendance is not needed.
The proper order is kiss me--- then go sniff the other cat or dog's behind. I cannot stress this enough!
In your defense, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Beloved Pets:
1. They live here- you don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture (that's why it's called FUR-niture).
3. I like my pets a lot better than most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Dogs and Cats are better than kids: they eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college...
And if they get pregnant, you can sell the children.
My parents were both laughing, too. 
